Unfortunately, finding the right one often takes a slew of wrong ones. Sometimes no matter how much we do not want the dreaded break up, it is the inevitable destiny of the relationship. But the fight between your emotions and logic can lead to a complicated, dragged out unhealthy relationship. Learn the signs of when and how to call it quits and move forward to finding the perfect one!

• Steve Pavlina If your relationship feels mediocre, neither good nor bad, and you feel stuck, read this article with help on how to handle this situation.
• Shrink 4 Men Avoid staying in a toxic relationship by becoming aware of these 12 signs the relationship is over.
• Associated Content Decipher if your relationship can be mended or is unsalvageable with these 10 signs.
• How to Questions Find out if your relationship has reached its ending with this informative article.
• How to Get Your Ex Back Fast If you are in that post-break up confusion, read this article to learn if it is really over or not.
• WebMD Learn the dos and don’ts for breaking up with your significant other to have a smooth ending.
• The Relationship Gym Four basic principles are provided for when to call it quits on the relationship.
• Celebrate Love This article lists questions to help you decide if the relationship should be over.
• Meet Market Adventures If you have found yourself staying in relationships past their expiration date, read this article to help you fix your “break-up alarm clock”.
• The Frisky Read through this crucial, and humorous, 15 signs that the relationship should be done.
• The Personal Excellence Blog A personal reflection from experiences with a reoccurring bad relationship provides advice for knowing when it should be over for good.
• Attract a Guy Read through these 12 warning signs that a relationship has reached its end.
• Solve Your Problem If you are experiencing a few of these signs in your relationship, it may be time to call it quits.
• Lovelyish Nine essential signs it is time to get out of the relationship.
• Shecky’s Five blatant signs that you are in an unhealthy relationship and need to end it – quickly!

Are you new to online dating? Or do you just want to figure out how to get the most successful dating profile you can? Well, our list of Top Articles for the Do’s and Don’ts of Your Online Dating Profile provides you with a number of articles to help you create an effective online dating profile. In no particular order, read and enjoy……

Examiner – “Online Dating Profile Do’s and Don’ts” is an article found on the Examiner website. This article gives you plenty of tips to be successful at online dating. Such tips include: sex is not meant for dating, women looking for men online don’t want creeps, being needy does not translate into a confident online dater, etc.

Dating Headshots – Dating Headshots contains an article called “Do’s and Don’ts for Writing Online Dating Profiles”. This article gives you a number of things to DO and DON’T when you make a dating profile. If you are writing your first dating profile or looking to fix up the one you already have you should check out this article first!

eHow To Guru – This site is full of dating advice! One such area that you can get dating advice is on writing a dating profile. “How To Write An Online Dating Profile” gives you 6 great tips on writing your dating profile.

Confused in Love – “How to Write an Online Dating Profile” is an article found on this website that gives you fantastic advice on writing a successful dating profile.

Completely Free Dating – Completely Free Dating gives plenty of articles that give dating advice. One such article is “How to Write an Online Dating Profile”. This article has advice like creating a how to create a user name, describing yourself, telling the truth, etc.

O Magazine – “Your Online Dating Profile: The Do’s, The Don’ts, The Musts” is an article found on Oprah’s website. Since the article is found on Oprah’s website you know that the tips will be worth your while. This article provides a number of tips for making the best profile you can!

40 Plus Green Singles – “If You Want to be a Dating Magnet Follow These Internet Dating Profile Tips!” is the article to read on this site! If you are a person who likes to “go green” then check out this article because it provides a number of tips to creating a great dating profile.

Well Cultured – Well Cultured is a site for the people who like a little bit of culture in their lives. “How to Make a Good Online Dating Profile” is an article that helps you make a great dating profile, with a little bit of culture.

The Bachelor Guy – If you’re a bachelor trying to get into the online dating scene you need to check out this site. “How to Create an Online Dating Profile That’ll Fill Your Mailbox” is an article on this site that will help you be successful at online dating!

Cupid Nights – Cupid Nights is a site that is here to help you find the love of your life. “13 Tips for Writing a Winning Online Dating Profile” gives you 13 tips like: Strike a Pose, Choose a Fun Username, Captivate Your Audience, etc.

Online Dating Matchmaker – “Top 10 Mistakes in Online Dating Profiles” is an article that gives you tips, but these tips are what NOT to do. Be sure to check out this article so that you don’t carelessly make 1 of these 10 mistakes.

Best Online Dating Sites – “11 Tips for a Great Online Dating Profile” is an article that gives you the 10 best tips for a great online dating profile…. Plus that 1 extra tip to make you successful at online dating.

Oprah.com – “How to Rewrite Your Online Dating Profile” is an article that provides 10 things to not include in your dating profile, and then what to include instead.

Trusted Dating Site Advisory – “How to Make Your Online Dating Profile Effective” is an article that provides you with 4 great tips to creating a successful online dating profile.

The Truth – This site is full of the “ugly truth”! One such article it has is “How to Create an Effective Online Dating Profile (10 Tips Revealed)”. This article gives you those 10 tips you need to give you the most effective dating profile you can get!

Saving a Relationship – This site gives you plenty of dating tips to start a relationship and to maintain it. “How To Make A Good Online Dating Profile” is for those who are single and looking to find that special someone. This article will give you the edge on your “competition” on dating sites.

Meet Someone Fun – “How to Write an Effective Online Dating Profile” is an article that points out the important things to make sure to put into your dating profile. If you are just starting out with online dating be sure to check out this article before you start writing your profile!

Dating Online – “Writing Online Profiles” is the article to read on this site! This article gives you all the information that needs to be taken into account when writing your dating profile.

Hook-up Guide – “Your Online Dating Profile” gives you tips like a lot of other articles on how to write a successful dating profile. But the article takes the next step and gives you examples of effective dating profiles!

Dateless to Dating – The article to check out on this site is “Online Dating Advice: Attract Attention and Intrigue With Your Text Profile”. This article helps you to create an attractive successful dating profile!

Photo via Andrew-Hyde

When I was thirteen my friend Claudia’s mom was driving us home from school.  We were strapped in the backseat with our 50 pound backpacks talking about which boys we liked.  Claudia’s mom was divorced and was one of those awkward adults that said things to try to impress kids.  It always felt sad and a little desperate when this happened, whether it was someone’s parent or a substitute teacher.  As someone who tried too hard myself, I always gave them a half-hearted chuckle instead of the dead fish-eyed gaze of the unamused adolescent.  As we drove, Claudia changed the subject from boys to going all the way with boys.  I was certain nobody in middle school was actually doing it.  Nobody was even dating – going out just meant calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend and maybe tongue kissing at recess.  Claudia said she had heard that a few eighth graders had actually had sex.  Having overheard us upfront, Claudia’s mom lowered her shades and batted her clumpy eyelashes at us in the rearview mirror.  “Sex is overrated,” she said.  In my mind her Wet n’ Wild painted lips outlined by smoker’s wrinkles kept saying, “sex,” over and over like a slow train wreck.  Claudia rolled her eyes.  “I’m serious,” her mom said, placing her sunglasses back on her nose, “Having sex is just like taking a really good crap.”  Claudia screamed, “Mom!”  I began the mental work of rewriting everything I thought I knew about sex up until then.

Up until then at age thirteen of course isn’t that much.  What I did know came from some hurried lessons in a portable classroom one rainy afternoon in 6^th grade when they separated the guys out from the girls and probably taught the guys how to sword fight and high five each other while we were subjected to a horrifying cram session of tampons, choices, fetuses, diseases, birth control pills, pressure, the evil of penises and the boys behind them, and discharge – the ugliest word in the world next to ‘margarine’ and ‘moist.’  The main thing I remember was the woman whose job I guess it was to go from school to school and give girls the skinny on the tragedy of having a vagina.  She asked at one point, “What might cause a girl not to enjoy sex… what might she be thinking about?”  Honors student that I was I raised my hand, conjured a quizzical expression, and in the tone of an after school special a said, “Is this right?”  The woman looked annoyed.  “Sure, but what else?”  I tried again in my best troubled teen voice, “What if I get pregnant?  Does he love me?”  She sighed.  “A girl could be thinking ANYTHING and it would make her distracted and when girls are distracted they can’t enjoy sex.  She might even be thinking about the grocery list.”  And so I went about the mental work of rewriting what I had known about sex up until that point.

And since at that point I was only eleven, what I knew about sex was pretty minimal.  What I did know was this:  when I was five years old our cat Lily got around.  We never knew how many tabbies she tangled with but the litter was impressive in both size and variation so it’d likely been a few.  When I asked my mom how Lily came to have babies my mom, never one to dumb down science just because I was a child, said, “The male cat gets behind Lily.  He holds the scruff of her neck in his teeth and puts his penis inside her vagina.  Then he ejaculates and kittens grow inside Lily’s womb.”  I nodded, getting the visual.  As an afterthought, a first shot at introducing the birds and the bees, she added, “Humans do it the same way.”  Immediately my visual of Lily and her tabby was replaced with my parents.  A month after they were born, Lily and her kittens developed feline leukemia and died.  And so I went about the mental work of writing my first impression of what sex was.

To review, sex is a woman-cat hybrid being mounted by a man-cat hybrid.  While his teeth are planted firmly in her scruff the cat-lady is worrying that she Stouffers french bread pizzas put milk on the shopping list and also thinking about what kind of discharge she has.  Just when things are getting good and feels exactly like a really great crap, all her babies die.  Come 8^th grade I would change the people to look like the soulless pen and ink drawings of teens with generous thighs and small packages I found on the pages of “Our Bodies Ourselves.”  I try to form my own impressions but sex’s reputation was sullied before we ever met.  Then I did it for the first time, U2 playing in the background, after riding the mechanical bull at Saddle Ranch.  Sex didn’t stand a chance.

I’m envious of people to whom dating, love, and basic social interaction come naturally.  I remember thinking in Junior High that there HAD to be a handbook I hadn’t received.  It seemed like there was a set of rules and guidelines everyone knew but me.  Whether everyone else was just faking it or I really was born without some innate human instinct of how to relate to the opposite sex, I don’t know.  But it hasn’t gotten a whole lot better.  So many of the things people do – the way they flirt, the pace at which they move, the games they play – it seems so choreographed.  I’ve picked up some things from watching and learning, but most of the time I feel like an alien sent to study the humans as they wear out their heart muscles in this strenuous love sport they all play.  It’s a game without fields, boundaries, or time outs.  I’m a spectator just trying to make sense out of it all.

Being coy for instance.  I don’t get it.  No, of course you don’t want to jump right in and say, “I want you.”  Multiple rejections with stakes like that could cripple you emotionally.  I get that the point of beating around the bush is to make sure you like the bush, but wouldn’t it be so much easier if we all went up to each other and said, “Hi, I noticed you and am finding myself possibly attracted to you.  But I won’t know for sure unless we spend some time together.  What say you?”  That way there would be none of this mistaken friendliness, accusations of flirting and leading on, or missed signals.  Don’t knock the autistic; they get to the point.

And then there’s sex.  We should have as many words for sex as the eskimo’s do snow (which I bet isn’t as many as everyone thinks).  There are so many different kinds!  One night stand sex.  Hook up sex.  F#@& buddy sex.  Friend sex.  Relationship sex with love.  Relationship sex without love.  Love sex without a relationship.  Pity sex.  Depressed sex.  Angry sex.  Self sex (okay, that one has it’s own word).  Do I like you? sex.  Goodbye sex.  Lonely sex.  Fill-a-void sex.  And yet everyone goes around having generic sex and hoping they’re on the same page.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have a pocket sex guide (like for tipping in restaurants) that you could whip out, point to a word or illustration, and agree on BEFORE one person’s having “Great to meet you I hope we fall in love sex” and the other is having, “This way you’ll know the date meant nothing sex?”

And then take love.  Love is the pink unicorn in the room.  It’s the thing no one can see, probably believes in, and the nuts swear they’ve ridden.  It’s a feeling, or a state of being, or a connection between two people.  It’s the easiest thing to break, end, and ruin and the main thing relationships called, “forever” are based on.  Couldn’t we just plead agnostic on the love front?  Like, I agree it could exist, you agree it could exist.  But can’t we agree that this thing we’re feeling is great now but chasing after it and putting a pin in it like a butterfly, calling it forever, squeezing it into a box called labeled ‘marriage’ for safe keeping – none of those things are going to make the unicorn appear and canter around the room so that we finally know it’s real?

Alright, I gotta go exercise my heart muscle now.  Armageddon’s coming on and I like to imagine I’m Bruce Willis for half and Liv Tyler for half so I can be the tragic hero AND play animal cracker safari with Ben Affleck.  Alien out.

There are a lot of lines out there that will get you nowhere, and then there a lot of ways to deliver those lines in an effective way that will at least increase your chances.  In the dating world of mixed signals, reading between the lines, and blurry relationship definitions it’s easy to let your flirting skills get rusty.  Instead of pussy footing around trying to gauge how to proceed, develop your own style that doesn’t rely on mind reading the person whose scratch you want on your itch.

1. It’s not a corporate meet n’ greet, so don’t look so darn eager.  Remember, you’re not applying for a job, you’re trying to get to know someone.  That means being human and listening, not rattling off a list of questions you could find the answers to on her resume.
2. Having a sense of humor doesn’t mean telling jokes.  One of my coworkers tried to flirt with me yesterday by telling a six minute set up with a racist punchline.  And not even a GOOD racist punchline.  Identifying funny is just as good if not better than making funny.  It’s finding a shared perspective rather than trying to make your crush your audience.
3. If you MUST use a pick up line, follow it up with a self-deprecating smile that says, “I know ‘Come here often?’ is lame, that’s what’s so charming about me: my awareness.”  Knowing you’re a dork is actually worth more points than just not being one.
4. Be a pirate or a lumberjack.  Okay, I get that this might be harder to employ if you aren’t already one.  But at least take a note from these men of sea and trees.  These guys are direct, unabashed, and confident.  Also they taste salty from the sea and from sweating.  Babes dig that.
5. Talk about horses.  Even girls who never rode horses probably adored them at some point. Most women loved at least one unicorn before she loved a man.  Talking about horses reminds chicks of the feeling of being loved and then they associate it with you, especially if you have a pony tail.
6. Buy them food.  Sending over curly fries at the bar will get you further than a drink.  Well, it will if you’re sending them to me.
7. Mention dead people.  Not like murder victims from the news, but people you’ve known who died.  This will elicit sympathy from the person and make you seem vulnerable.  While you’re talking about what a wonderful person said dead guy was, brush their arm with your hand so they associate your touch with being happy they are alive.
8. Start as many sentences as possible with, “When I was little…”  This makes the person think about when they, too, were little and, providing they didn’t have a terrible childhood, makes them feel young and open and happy.  If they did have a terrible childhood, lie and say you did, too.  That way you can be jaded, grown up orphans together like if Oliver Twist and Annie had ever hooked up as adults and had bitter-towards-the-world sex.
9. Don’t give compliments unless they are to yourself and you are talking to your own reflection in the bathroom in the bar, giving yourself a pep talk about how worthy you are of love.
10. Write down their number with a pen and paper instead of entering it into your phone.  This shows you are romantic and old fashioned and also helps you avoid looking like a moron when you can’t figure out how to get into your smart phone’s address book because in reality, your smart phone is way smarter than you are.

Even though I had a fully (and horrifyingly) illustrated copy of “Our Bodies, Ourselves,” as a young tween, it was Judy Blume who really provided the answers.  Pen and ink drawings of fallopian tubes and quotes about masturbation habits by bizarrely unabashed teens just didn’t do it for me.  I was looking for something far more fictional yet seemingly more real: a voyeur’s glimpse into the sordid life of made-up teens written by someone who actually got that the mystery of sex and love was more than just badly named body parts.  And that’s what Judy Blume provided in the pages of Blubber, Summer Sisters, Forever, Tiger Eyes,  Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, and tons more.  Granted, these teens were dating in a time when maxi pads were still held up by pink belts but other than a couple details here and there, not much else was different.  Unlike the happy-go-lucky accounts by kids in “Our Bodies,” about new feelings and body fluids, Blume’s characters were relatable.  Even as an atheist I had my own “Are You There God, it’s Me, Margaret,” experience:

Are you there, God?  It’s me, Erin.  I mean, really I know you’re NOT there because I’m not a moron in desperate need of an all-knowing father figure in the sky.  Unless, I’m on a plane or there’s a tornado watch and then I apologize for all the times I said you weren’t real (which I really think you aren’t).  But I’ve got some issues:  I get the whole period thing.  I’m not happy about it but I don’t have a whole lot of questions in that area.  I mean, if I could make a suggestion I’d say, maybe hymens should be made out of glass so it hurts the guy the first time, too, but then I guess as God you don’t really need a suggestion box.  But here’s the thing, dude – sorry, God – what the eff is up with my hairy arms?  I mean, herein lies more evidence you don’t exist.  If you truly created everyone, why would you take the time to include THAT detail?  I bet three starving orphans died while you were you were adding that finishing touch.  And for what?  Like my drumstick legs and horse teeth aren’t bad enough?  My mom said that when I’m older guys will like my arm hair because they’ll think it’s soft.  I’m only eleven and I know that is a lie.  It’s not like I’ve never seen a Teen magazine.  I mean, even Sassy magazine which is supposed to be more feminist doesn’t have any models with furry appendages.  So, the other day I decided to shave my legs for the first time because my other friends do and they have actual boyfriends who actually tongue kiss them.  So far I’ve only tongue kissed in my dream and that was with John Stamos but he was in character as Uncle Jesse.  Side note – is it weird to be calling someone ‘uncle’ in your dream while you’re tongue kissing them even if they’re not your real uncle?  Get back to me on that.  But anyway, I got in the shower and I shaved my legs and then I thought, well while I’m in here might as well shave everything else.  So I did my arms and then I did my pubes because I figured, when in Rome which I guess means, when you’re shaving everything else anyway.  And then I shaved a couple little hairs off my nipples and also my toes.  But you know what, “Our Bodies, Ourselves” DOESN’T tell you about, God?  Stubble.  Shaving does not last very long especially when you’re like me and you have the hair follicles of the kid from “The Peanut Butter Solution,” and literally five minutes after shaving your arms they have a shadow.  The next day at school all the girls kept distracting me so I’d look the other way and then they’d all laugh at my sandpaper arms.  I had to wear long sleeves for over a month until it grew back and this was in North Carolina in spring in 90 degree weather!  So, if I could add another slip of paper to your nonexistent suggestion box, God, it would read, “Hey, how about lay off the arm hair on the ugly chicks?”  Because here’s the thing, I have a major crush on Bobby Pia who looks like the Karate Kid except for a really sexy mole on his lip and his arms are totally smooth so if we sit next to each other at the movies (I mean if he can get past my horse face) he’s going to think a labrador or a mink stole is rubbing up against him and then I’ll never get tongue kissed by a nonfictional non-uncle and my life will suck forever.  Okay, I gotta go change my pad, God, because making girls bleed for week seemed to you like the most effective way to ensure repopulation.  Man, you must have mother issues.  And hey, God, get a suggestion box.  That’s my last suggestion.

Sincerely,

Erin

Check out the list we’ve compiled of the Top 26 Strange Dating Sites. Here you will find very odd sites like no other dating sites you’ve seen before. Whether you are bored and looking for something to entertain you, or if you are just a little bit “strange” and just haven’t found that dating site that fits you yet this list is for you!

1. Trek Passions – Here is an interesting social networking community! If you are into science fiction like Star Trek and Star Wars this site is for you. Here you will be able to meet fellow science fiction lovers like you.

2. 420 Dating – If you don’t get the reference you should probably stay away from this site lol. However, if you like to smoke on occasion you can meet someone with a common interest on this site.

3.  Scientific Match – Scientific Match is a site that is like no other dating site you have seen. This site uses your DNA to find someone you will have great chemistry with. They also do in-depth background checks to ensure your safety.

4. Crazy Blind Date – Crazy Blind Date gives you exactly what the name says. All pictures found on this site are blurred so all you’re left with are a name and an age.

5. Vampersonals – Love vampires?! Then check out Vampersonals. This site is meant to help vampires and Goths dark romance, companionship, and to socialize.

6. Daily Diapers – This dating site is….quite different. Daily Diapers is all about age play, fetish wear and is a diaper lover community.

7. Pounced – This site is different, but it’s not meant for humans. This dating site is meant for animals that are looking for a companion!

8. Poker Faces – P-P-P-Poker Faces is a social site that combines poker with online dating. Poker Faces allows you to play poker with the opposite sex where you could possibly end up meeting someone you would like to date.

9. Farmers Only – This site is for exactly what the name says, farmers! If you are a farmer and you are single and looking for someone, then this site is for you.

10. Meet an Inmate – Here is an interesting dating site like no other. This site is for people who want to meet someone who’s locked up. This way you can control when you want to visit your significant other.

11. The Atlasphere – This site is all about admirers of Ayn Rand’s novels. Here you can socialize with other fans on Ayn Rand’s.

12. Tall Friends – This dating site is unique and meant for a niche market. If you have a problem with being way taller than your significant other then this site will help you find someone your own size.

13. Date a Little – If you are little or if you have a thing for little people then you should check this site out. Date a Little is a dating site meant for little people seeking love.

14. No Longer Lonely – Do you have a mental illness? Then check out no longer lonely. On this site you will be able to meet other people who have mental illnesses.

15. Datecraft – Datecraft for people who consider themselves gamers. On this site you will be able to meet gamers of the opposite sex, socialize and even possibly find love.

16. Equestrian Cupid – Equestrian Cupid is for people who share a common love of horses. Here you will be able to find someone to ride with so you no longer have to ride solo!

17. Meet an Ostomate – Are you self conscious after your Ostomy surgery? Then check out this site. Here you can find support, ask questions, and possibly start a relationship.

18. Ashley Madison – No this site isn’t about a girl named Ashley Madison….Ashley Madison is where people who are in a relationship can find someone to have an affair with.

19. BB People Meet – BB stands for Big and Beautiful. So, if you’re big and beautiful this site will help you find other people who are also big and beautiful.

20. Gothic Match – Whether you’re a metal head or twilight fan, if you’re a Goth then this site will help you to find someone else who has the same taste and style as you.

21. Purrsonals – Purrsonals is for cat lovers who don’t want to become the old cat lady. This site will help you to meet fellow cat lovers so that you can share your passion for cats together.

22. Amputee Date – If you are an amputee or disabled and you are somewhat self conscious here is your place to find someone in a similar boat. You will be able to meet other amputee’s who just want to find true love.

23. JuggaLove – Are you a fan of Insane Clown Posse? Are you a true Juggalo? Then find your true Juggalove on this site.

24. Sugar Daddie – Sugar Daddie is just what it sounds like. Here if you are a wealthy man you can meet an attractive single woman who you can be a sugar daddy to!

25. Pierced Passions – Pierced Passions is for people who have a love for getting piercings and piercings in general.

26. Zombie Harmony – If you have a pulse then this site isn’t for you! Zombie Harmony’s goal is unite zombies and help them find the love of their undead lives!

Photo via Camera on Autopilot

By the time you read this you will either be huddled in a dank drain pipe somewhere hiding from one of the nine-headed monsters of the apocalypse or things will be pretty much exactly the same as they are as I write this: The weather is beautiful but everyone has a head cold and the only dating I’m doing is myself with all my 90′s references.  If you are in fact covered in boils, trembling beneath a churning sky as Jesus takes out his daddy issues (Thanks for that whole ‘nailed live to a cross’ thing, dad) on earth then it’ll turn out they were right: the Rapture happened.  And I thank you for taking the time out of your tortured existence to read my blog because while you may be living in Hell, that doesn’t mean your love life has to suffer.  Let’s talk about how to cope with romance in the case of an apocalypse.

The good news is all those extreme religious nuts will be off playing Seven Million Years in Heaven… in heaven so you’ll at least be spared that awkward moment near the beginning of a relationship when a seemingly nice guy tells you the blow job you just gave him was a sin.  Now, provided you don’t have boils down there yet, you can enjoy all the physical pleasures of sex without worrying about going to Hell because you’re already there.  And hey, when has giving a blow job been anything other than Hell?  Ha ha, just kidding, intimacy is fun.

Let’s put the rapture back in Rapture; it’s supposed to be a good thing!  Before it was predicted that the good kids were going to beam up to “I Never Never Land”  and the naughty list was going to experience a combination of plagues, natural disasters, and childhood fears (think Tim Burton stuff but less cute), the word rapture just referred to intense, passionate pleasure.  Even if your arm’s been torn off by a dinosaur-sized mosquito and most of your family got swallowed by piranha-infested quicksand, you can still take control and use the circumstances to your advantage.  What makes for a better backdrop to romance and passion than a tornado of pointy-teeth squid and an approaching tidal wave of maggots?  Or maybe a giant fish with legs if Jesus has a sense of humor.  At any rate, extreme circumstances fodder intense emotions.  Just look at the movie, “Speed.”  Then imagine the bomber is the Devil and the bus never, ever stops.

If it’s got nine heads, what else might it have nine of?  It’s only a matter of time before one of these horrors does you in, so what better way to die than doing it animal style?  Christ has unleashed some gruesome creatures upon you but that doesn’t mean they don’t have needs.  Not only would a scaly, nine-headed monster be pretty exciting, but tickling his soft underbelly might distract him from tearing you to shreds, at least for a little while.  Remember, there are no consequences in an apocalypse because you’re already living them.  What’s the worst that can happen – you get monster herpes on your boils?  You’ll live.  Well, actually you won’t, but that’s the point, right?

Finally, remember the concept of home base.  What with all the hard and fast dates, the death-by-time-zone schedules, and the nit picky rules about who ascends, you KNOW that Jesus is the kid who also made a home base.  It’s only fair.  Plus that way he can claim that he did in fact create the concept of ‘survival of the fittest.’  It’ll probably be some place remote like Delaware or Split Pea Anderson’s in Buellton.  Get there, relax, then repopulate the earth.  And this time, for God’s sake, don’t any of you bitches go eating the apples.

When I was going to Community College, basically high school with ash trays and sad old people looking for a second shot, I met my first real boyfriend, Kevin.  He was so pale he was almost albino with angular, alien-like features.  He was smart, funny, and kind and unlike other guys, he was attracted to me so that was a big factor in hooking up with him.  I was eighteen and had never done the drawn out high school romance I’d seen friends do.  I hadn’t even dated.  I had kissed a couple of guys but only under pathetic circumstances; they were drunk and I was there.  So when weird, great Kevin with his pet snakes, his day job stocking boxes at Frito Lay, and his passion for ornithology (birds) came along, I was rocked.  Here was a guy who made friends with me long before trying to kiss me.  He shared my love of sitting on the couch, each with our own medium two-topping pizza, and devouring them while watching the muppet porn, “Meet the Feebles.”  He took me to see Weird Al at the Ventura Fair and made me fantastic mix tapes with the song titles printed in his tiny, male handwriting.  I know they say handwriting has no gender tells, but I disagree.  Certain guys have this small, shaky handwriting that attempts to be neat but sort of looks like it would be the scary font used to write “Halloween.”  It is one of those universally heartbreaking things about dudes along with the backs of their necks after a haircut and watching them try to pick out baby clothes.

Kevin was the first guy I had an intimate, romantic relationship with.  I don’t mean sex because we didn’t.  We were best friends and PG-13-with-extras-lovers.  Once he went camping with some guy friends, did shrooms, and told me when he came back that doing them made him feel like breaking up with me and so he never wanted to do them again.  This of course caused a huge fight because I was devastated that anything would make him want to leave me but I’m told it’s a shroom thing.  Or maybe it’s a guy thing.  We got over it.  We had a fantastic summer of going to aquariums, hiking, eating greasy breakfasts at the Dolphin Cafe in Santa Barbara, making out to The Sneaker Pimps, slow dancing to Guns n Roses “Live and Let Die” while he argued it wasn’t a slow song and kept asking when we could stop, and feeding crickets to his snakes which I was officially, morally against but sort of enjoyed doing mainly because I liked how they came in a plastic bag inflated with air and if I flicked the bottom I could make them jump like popcorn with legs.

It was this inability to admit things about myself that would be the beginning of the end.  One night after burritos and Dr. Peppers I groaned, “Oooh, my stomach.”  Kevin said helpfully, “Maybe you just need to go to the bathroom.”  I was horrified.  The guy who sweetly kissed my ears and nipples, held my hand, and saw me naked could not KNOW that I pooped.  There was no possible way that someone who loved me could continue doing so if he knew I did this gross, caveman activity and, even if on some level he knew it, he was NEVER supposed to acknowledge he knew.  I told him to shut up.  He, rightfully, was confused and hurt.  When he pushed the matter I screamed, “I DON’T DO THAT!”  I think eventually we got over it.  He probably agreed never to mention it again and I acted like there was nothing TO mention since I was exempt from such base, human function.  He left for college soon after and I went on to crush on a hot, white musician with dreads who wouldn’t tell me personal information and made fun of my clothes.  Sadly, the poop (or not poop) incident wouldn’t be the first time I chose alienating someone over exposing my imperfection.  Much as I’m willing to air pretty much ALL my “Why Me?” moments to friends and the internet, when it comes to the real vulnerable stuff, I keep it close because I just have a hard time believing anyone would love me if they saw the horrible, malfunctioning mess that I am.

The other day while I was doing vulture circles around my students to ensure they were hard at work writing their journal entries for the topic, “What makes a character unusual?” a girl looked up and asked me if I was married.  I told her no.  “Do you want get married?” she asked.  The answer here was of course, sure, if I were a completely different person with the ability to sustain a lasting, loving relationship without panicking and ruining it, getting bored and ruining it, or cutting my own hair so that it looks like kindergarten scribbles and never getting asked out to begin with to even GET to ruin it.  But I answered, “Maybe.”  “Do you want kids?”  Now all the students were looking at me.  They are all in high school.  They are almost all in relationships.  They are certainly all more experienced when it comes to love and everything else than I am.  “Uh, I don’t know.”  “Well, are you dating?” she asked.  “Nope, I’m not dating,” I said.  And after a brief silence which I can only attribute to a collective mental noting to not end up like me, one chubby boy at a table in the back said, “But are you happy?”  And I said truthfully, “Yeah, I’m really happy.”  He smiled, turned to his friend, and in his husky adolescent voice said, “See, I told you you could be happy alone.”

In my mind, I am still somewhere near the beginning of whatever it is we’re all doing here.  Obviously, my life started some time ago but when it comes to what we end up being or what we finally arrive at as that thing that makes us happy, I like to think we’re all on different timelines.  Mine just happens to have some thicker intervals between career moves and major relationships.  But to the chubby kid, I was at the end, or if not the end I was at that point in life where things were pretty much decided.  I’m alone now and so that’s who I am.  I couldn’t tell if he was trying to reconcile being happy alone now or if he’d already decided he’d be alone forever.  I guess being alone in high school and forever probably feel pretty much the same.  And then I started to wonder when it was I really decided to be alone.  It is my belief that nearly everyone who is in any kind of relationship or lack thereof chose to be there.  If you really wanted to be with someone, you would be.  Sometimes I think it comes from growing up in a family with a single mom who illustrated the absolute possibility of being alone, happy, and independent.  Sometimes I think I’ve got faulty wiring inside that won’t let me function properly with another person.  But I wonder if there was some moment where all the dating and rejection and heartbreak started to seem like a long list of cons next to the one pro, “Won’t die alone.”  And even that one’s not guaranteed without a suicide pact.  Maybe my husky kid moment came the last time I got no returned phone call after a night of clever conversation and dry humping and decided it just wasn’t worth the trouble.

A few days after the marital status questions, I was having my students do improvised scenes within scenarios I made up.  It’s like getting to see whatever movie you feel like acted out by sulky, reluctant teenagers.  I asked two of the girls to pretend they were best friends in their 20′s who had just found out they were both getting married on the same day.  One of them wrinkled her nose and said, “We’re in our 20′s?  We’re old?”  The other said, “And we’re married?  How depressing.”  I laughed and said, “Jeez, you guys really think my life is that sad, huh?”  They looked up.  “You’re not married,” the first girl said.  I had forgotten.  I had forgotten I wasn’t married.  Is that low blood sugar or some weird Freudian slip of the mind?  And then to add insult to injury the other girl added, “And you’re not in your twenties.”  They were both right.  My life was much sadder than I remembered.  But weirdly, just the fact that I could forget for a second and imagine myself married and have it feel believable, well that seemed like a good sign.  A sign that I’m at least open to the idea, that I haven’t completely decided to end up alone yet.  If I do, I’ll stick by what the fat kid said and make sure I’m happy, but it’s kind of nice knowing I still have room on the timeline for other possibilities.

Photo via the gleam of rose tea