Often times in my private practice, I see couples who have come to an impasse. They both want/need something from each other, but won’t give what the other person wants until they see they are getting what they demand. The problem with this is no one wins.
The underlying assumption when you find this happening in your relationship is that my happiness lies somewhere other than within myself. In relationships, we often have the mistaken belief that this person is responsible for my happiness.
Just the other day, I worked with a couple pretty typical of most. The guy is all head, the woman is all heart. She wants him to be more affectionate, hold her hand throughout the day, write her love notes, and send her flowers. He wants her to give him sex more often and says he would be happy to put in more affection, more romance- if she would only put out….and so the age old relationship conundrum continues.
How is a female supposed to feel hot and bothered, when she feels less than desired by her partner? How is a male motivated to wax poetic when she’s roaming around the house in her granny pants and side bun? Simple- we just do it.
We have to throw coals in the fireplace before the fire can start. It wouldn’t make sense for us to just sit and stare at the fireplace and say “I’m not going to throw any coals in until I see a fire.” So why do we rely so much on the other person to start our fire?
We are taught so often in society that it takes something external to bring us happiness. Whether it’s a fast car, an expensive purse, the latest hair style, or the hottest relationship- we think that if we aren’t happy the thing that’s missing is a thing. Realistically, if we aren’t happy, it should force us to take a step back and evaluate what it is that we are doing (and most of the time- not doing) that is keeping us from feeling fulfilled from within.
Maybe we aren’t pursuing our hobbies and interests as much as we used to before we got partnered up. Maybe we aren’t taking as much time to play ourselves and/or play with each other. Maybe we mistakenly thought that by devoting our every free moment to our partner, it would better the relationship (quantity does not equal quality).
Somewhere along the way of becoming someone’s other half, we lost our whole-ness. We lost that je ne se quois that first made us interesting to our partner. We show up at our other half’s place only to sit back and say “what you got for me today?” “How are you going to make me happy?” and if they can’t – we assume something is wrong with the relationship.
Begin transforming your relationships today by asking “what can I do for them?” Ironically, you may start to notice what you get back is way more than you gave in the first place.
Photo via Jan Hoogendoorn
