Some people have definite types when it comes to dating. I have one girlfriend who goes for the Seth Rogan type – sweet, funny, more to love. (Husky nerds everywhere are indebted to Seth Rogan). Another friend likes pricks – she would say intellectuals. What she dates are guys who constantly need to remind you they’re smart, who say things like, “touche,” and, “Wikipedia’s a nice tool for uneducated people.” Another friend dates girls who are manipulative and angry. He describes them as insecure and opinionated. Dude, I’m insecure and opinionated but I don’t baby talk phrases like, “I’m against pop culture,” during the Oscars. I’ve gone through different types. In the 90′s it was Jordan Catalano (sulky, corduroy-wearing musicians). Then Manly (quiet, smelled like leather). Comedians (Converse-wearing depressive types who enjoy PBR and Live Action Role Playing). When you’re still trying to figure out your type, you have to try out some that aren’t: The Confused Christian: On the first date you mention you’re an atheist. He says he’s really more spiritual than religious. He smells like 1994 (cigarettes, Old Spice, flannel) and though you are
technically over that type, it’s reason enough to hang in for a while. After a respectable amount of time (read: 3 dates), you give him a blow job. After, he tells you it was a sin.
The Bitter Nice Guy: This guy’s been hurt. He’s taken one heartbreak and squirreled it away into his soul where it lives like a shrine to that evil bitch* (*perfectly nice girl who didn’t love him back). Inside his soul, it takes on an artificial intelligence and learns to associate hurt with ALL women which, if you’re lucky, means YOU. You figure, I’m not the heartbreaking type. I’ll heal his wounds and make him loving and vulnerable again like in the English Patient. (Note: never imitate a movie that ends with SPOILER ALERT one person burned beyond recognition and the other dead in a cave). After spending weeks or months trying to convince him you’re not going to hurt him you get frustrated and kiss someone else. He weirdly seems really happy to be proved right.
The Younger Guy: At first the seven year age difference is a turn off (he was in high school when you were a substitute teacher), but then you notice you get carded when you’re out with him and realize, this guy makes me look younger and is way cheaper than Chanel Age Recovery serum!
Pros: He doesn’t mind when you tell him he wears too much cologne or that his forks smell. Why? Because he’s more than willing to learn. He’ll never, in bed, utter the words, “Never had any complaints before.”Conversely, he’ll ask questions, take notes, and come in prepared next time.
The cons: He still shrugs and rolls his eyes when embarrassed. When you have plans with him, you tell your friends you are baby-sitting. He somehow still smells like milk. The break up happens when he pretends not to hear or see you after an argument and you realize his Joe Biden impression was spot on because they have SO MUCH IN COMMON.
The Alcoholic: You meet at a bar, obviously. He’s funny, charming, and attentive (willing to make many trips to the bar). Date #1 is a blast. You’re trading anecdotes, cracking each other up. Everyone wishes they were on your date instead of their own. It’s kind of weird he orders seven cocktails at dinner but you chalk it up to first date jitters. You kiss in an underground parking lot and it doesn’t feel rapey. Things get wierd on date #2 when he tells you ALL THE SAME stories. When you bring up topics from last time, he draws a total blank. He confesses to drinking whiskey before bed every night and has dozed off at the table when you return from the ladies room. Look, I don’t hold it against a guy if he’s not my type. I just let him hold me against him for less time than I would say, Crispin Glover holding a typewriter and riding Black Beauty. Hey, at least I don’t go for daddy types.
