Recently I read an online interview on Lemondrop with author Holly Hill regarding her new book entitled, “Sugar Babe.” The theory behind this nonfiction work is that a woman who doesn’t put out to the extent her man desires will get cheated on, and deservedly so. Her solution: negotiated infidelity. I don’t really have a problem with her philosophy. It’s more that I have a problem with any philosophy that claims to be right for everyone. I imagine it has only been her experience that these facts are true, and to that end I see nothing wrong with writing a book with advice based on that personal perspective. My personal experience is that with the right guy (well, right for this example, not like Mr. Right) you can hold out on sex for month or even years, never get cheated on, and drive each other into miserable shells of humans. But do you hear me saying that’s right for everyone? I’ll tell you what part of the interview really got my goat. It was this quote by Hill, “I couldn’t think of anything worse than getting sexual advice or reading sex scenes from someone who isn’t doing it a lot. Never trust an unpromiscuous sex writer, I say!” Hold it, Holly. I write about dating, sex, and love. And sure, I don’t have any of those things in my life, but I dare say I do a smash up job of doling out the pearls of wisdom even if no one is giving me pearl necklaces at the moment. Today I will illustrate how I A)write a knock-your-socks off sex scene, and B)how I dispense great advice.
The Sex Scene:
Shelly had been dating Kirk for almost three months and tonight was finally the night! Her amber eyes sparkled as she slithered out of her silken negligee like a snake out of its old skin. “Boy,” murmured Kirk, his own chocolate eyes ablaze like brown fire, “Your skin is so soft, like a baby’s.” Shelly said nothing. Instead she clapped her hands twice, dimming the lights so that the shadows played on their faces like playful shadows. Kirk pulled his J Crew summer crew neck over his head and Shelly helped him as she had with her own children for so many years. She had always given birth naturally so Kirk had no trouble sliding his Dodger Dog inside her. But they did foreplay first. “Your nipples are like the pink part of Neapolitan ice cream,” he exclaimed with fervor. Shelly licked her lips and they looked glossy as if she were already wearing lip gloss which she was not. “You mean strawberry?” she whispered in his ear. That got Kirk excited. They plunged at each other like lonely waves finally meeting the sand after a long journey at sea. Afterward, they lay tangled in the sheets, fingers entwined much like their souls. “I love you, Shelly,” said Kirk, his voice husky with emotion. Shelly finally released all the pent up feeling she’d held for so long through her divorce and not getting promoted. She sobbed gently into Kirk’s blonde chest hair, peaceful at last.
The Online Dating Advice:
- Don’t be afraid to list all of your faults up front. This ensures your potential mate will have low expectations going in and you’ll be less likely to disappoint.
- Always memorize his profile so you can reference it and even quote from it if necessary.
- If you are worried it’s not going well, confide a very personal and embarrassing secret. He will feel sorry for you and won’t end things early.
- Don’t brush your teeth or hair before the date. This makes it look like you tried too hard.
- Remember, this is a potential soul mate hunt. Narrow down the hunt by making sure he can listen to topics like your period, your past depression, and your biggest regrets NOW.
- Treat him the way you would like to be treated. This means holding his hand throughout dinner, calling your friends at the table to let them know he’s a keeper, and telling him you love him if he says anything funny.
- Be a good sport. If he does reject you, don’t get mad, get even. If you’ve done your homework and stalked him in his personal life before the date, this should be easy.
Oh, and boys, I’m single.
Photo via The-Rob
