If there had been such a thing as online dating in the Harry Potter world, Professor Snape‘s profile would have read something like, “Single, dark, and mysterious. Been hurt in the past but willing to sacrifice myself for the cause of good: True love. Let’s get together for a butterbeer and see if we have any chemistry – and by chemistry I mean love potion not polyjuice potion of course! LOL. No scars. No werewolves. No redheads.” Snape was really the Kurt Cobain of Harry Potter – tortured, spurned, and fairly greasy but talented nonetheless. And sadly, totally my type.
I know a lot of women would probably opt for Sirius Black. Total babe plus a bad boy to boot. Date Sirius and you get the tortured with the funny. His online dating profile would read, “Single warlock seeks wicked witch for mischief and maybe more. I may have done time, but the only thing I’m guilty of is loving you. Turn ons include rebellion and open wide spaces. If you like to talk about the past, I’m not your guy. But if you wanna get in trouble, I’m dying to meet you.” Added bonus: the guy could transfigure into a dog, which in my book equals hot. If I’ve lost you, I imagine your idea of a fantasy date involves the Weasley twins, a dark passage, and a bottle of fire whiskey. Have at it. Personally I dig a little danger. Especially if the Fat Lady is watching. Oh what, like you never considered the naughty element of having a castle whose walls are embedded with watchful eyes? Sexy as Sirius might be, it’s Snape, with his bat-like menace and discerning eyes, that has me under his spell.
I realized this during maybe my third read of the Harry Potter series. I was curled up under the covers in the middle of a sunny day trying to will myself out of my apartment, out of my life, and into Hogwarts. In the particular scene I was reading, Harry and Snape find themselves at the same Christmas party hosted by Horace Slughorn. Snape was of course suspicious of Harry’s behavior as usual but it was the description of his behavior at the party that got me. Awkward and off-putting, Snape had never really outgrown the teenager who used to SPOILER ALERT obsess over Harry’s mother with misguided tactics. Now, as an adult, the sinister front could not mask the social anxiety. In this same book we see through Harry’s occlumency lessons (OMG, keep up) a vulnerable even sweet side of Snape. Glutton for dysfunction that I am, I suddenly found myself making like The Divinyls. Yes, really. I mean, the dude’s a scientist (that’s potions master in muggle terms) with a dark past, a soft vulnerable underbelly, and a tattoo! If he lived in this world he probably would have eventually become a standup comedian. Or a serial killer. So maybe it’s better I can’t will myself into Harry’s world.
It’s the flaws that get me every time. Sure, I’m easily dazzled by confidence, talent, and a nice magic wand. But when the ugly, the troubled, and the weird begin to glimmer under the surface like inferi, that’s when I’m hooked. I’ve been broken up with by guys claiming they weren’t functioning as complete human beings and therefor couldn’t handle a relationship (I know, it sounds suspicious, right? I’m guessing it was less that, and more me, but for now we’ll accept that as a hypothetical). I’m ashamed to say this turned me on even more. He’s dysfunctional?! I’m dysfunctional! It’s PERFECT! What better thing to have in common than only being a sliver of a human? We could help each other – better yet, we could complete each other. And….. yeah, that’s the definition of a dysfunctional relationship, you know those ones they say are bad? Screw that. It sounds romantic to me. Who has time to become perfect and then find someone else who’s perfect? In this world people don’t live to be 209. Even Dumbledore, well into his two hundreds and more self-aware than most, had fatal flaws. And guess what, he SPOILER ALERT died alone.
It’s not that I’m seeking a real life Snape – ex cult members don’t do it for me. But I don’t need a perfect dream boat either because that would mean I’d have to match up and I am far from able to do that. I mean, in the middle of a beautiful day I’m snuggled in bed reading children’s fiction and trying to disappear. My magical online dating profile would read, “Odd but charming single witch. A bit obsessed with the past, my head is always stuck in my pensieve. Likes: butterbeer (a little too much) and watching funny House Elf videos on YouTube. Let’s get together and disapparate some place better.” I’m what they call a catch.
Photo via mrslim
