Dating in LA is a lot like looking for a cheeseburger in a Whole Foods. On the surface everything looks nice and pretty- I would almost venture to say- better than most places. Yet when you bite into your Whole Foods cheeseburger, you find that you’re eating some pasty tofu-esque excuse for a meal. You find that the cheese is actually made of xantham gum, non-gmo expeller pressed canola oil, arrowroot, and tapioca. Your so-called “burger,” is actually a nice spherical hunk of inactive yeast, onion powder, and pea protein. Mmmmmm
The dating scene here is similar in that, on the surface, everything seems it would be better. There are massive quantities of shiny good-looking people- a veritable sea of pretty fish, swimming around for you to reel in your pick (and throw back in) at any moment. Yet, when you dig in and try to experience the heartiness that one hopes a relationship provides, you find there’s nothing under the surface.
This was my experience while dating in LA. I began to believe that the person I was looking for wasn’t going to be found amongst this west coast gold rush. Yet, what I failed to realize was that in order to find my other half- I needed to become a whole person myself (or at least more complete than I was at the time). I mean what complete/self-aware person looks for a cheeseburger in Whole Foods anyway?
So “how does one become whole and find their other half,” you ask? Simple- you let go of the idea you will ever find your other half. Yep, that’s right- you lose the idea of ever finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.
My epiphany came to me one night during a Kabbalah lecture where our teacher said “that which you cannot let go of- you will never have.” At that moment, I realized that I could not just let go. I could not lose hope. I couldn’t part with the idea that I would never find the one. Much more- I couldn’t cope with the thought of growing old alone.
Yet, it seemed that everything I was doing wasn’t working. JDate (yes even shiksas are allowed), Match.com, Plentyoffish, you name it- I tried it. I did “happy hours” with my girlfriends, whilst both of us simultaneously scanned the room for potentials, never really experiencing a happy minute, much less happy hour. I surreptitiously hand-picked the weekend parties I would attend based on what male demographic that would be there.
My reasoning- if I stopped for just one day, maybe that was the day I was supposed to meet him. Also, my time was a-ticking. I was THIRTY YEARS OLD for god’s sake! Yet, I finally hit a wall. Whether it was frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, or sheer exhaustion- I figuratively threw my hands up in the air that was the LA dating scene.
I could not get my head around how I could accomplish every other thing I wanted to accomplish in my life, but a relationship. Usually, if I wanted to meet a goal- I met it. If I wanted to reach a certain weight-no problem. If I needed more money- no sweat. If I wanted a certain job- not a big deal. I set enough short term goals, and worked on them hard enough until I got there. Yet, when it came to the relationship department- I sucked…and like all things I suck at- I quit (thankfully the reason I also quit piano, flute, and guitar lessons- you’re welcome mom and neighbors).
There was a certain freedom in quitting- in letting go. It opened my mind up to the question of “now what?” If, for whatever reason, I suck at relationships- what does my life look like as a swinging single? Yes, I just said “swinging single,” – I think I just baby puked.
No longer was Prince Charming going to come and sweep me off my Hollywood 850 square foot apartment- I was going to have to do it. The first thing I realized- I didn’t want to live in Hollywood. I probably strategically placed myself there because I subconsciously thought this was where my target audience (successful and ambitious males between the ages of 30-39) habituated.
The next thing I realized was that I wanted to live by the beach. I imagine I had been saving that for when I was married and could afford a more grown-up home. Wasn’t I grown up all by myself? Time Warner Cable, Sallie Mae Student Loans, and Discover card seemed to think so.
I began to do visualizations before my morning meditations each day. Each time, I was walking along the beach in the morning, with a coffee in one hand, and a dog leash in the other. There! I could create a family all by myself. It felt empowering. It felt freeing. It felt relaxing. Deep breath … Exhale.
So that’s what I did. I told my roommates my plan and began searching for my new place by the sea. “Apartment for one please,” I would say. In April of this year, I found a great spot in Manhattan Beach and haven’t looked back.
Obviously, you know how this story ends. When you least expect it- he shows up. I used to roll my eyes as far back in my head whenever I heard some chick say that. Yet there is something to letting go that finally brings whatever that is into your life. A watched pot never boils, as they say. I had to become a complete person, a hearty person, a non-GMO-processed-tapioca person to find my other cheeseburger.
Photo via KateDW
