I want you to think for a moment why you love the person that you’re with. Why is the relationship you are in, or once were in- a loving one? What is it about this person that makes your heart warm whenever they’re around?

Now really think about the answers to these questions before you scroll down.

No, really- did you think about it?

In most cases, when I ask my clients these questions, I get the following responses:

“He makes me feel good about myself.”

“She accepts me for who I am.”

“I’m happiest when he’s around.”

“She supports me and takes care of my needs.”

Now look back over those sentences, and count the “I’s” and “me’s.” When we take a step back and look at most “loving” relationships, we find that it is not about love at all, but more about need. In fact, 90% of most relationships are based out of our own need versus our capacity to give love. Most people are not in love, but in need. Is it any wonder, then, that most relationships nowadays are ending in separation, divorce, or one or both partners looking for love in all the wrong places? We end up trying to fulfill our own needs for closeness, security, self-esteem, or even boredom instead of trying to find love.

So how do we change? How do we separate our true self from the ego that says “this person must fulfill your every need or they’re not your soul mate?”. How do we realize that it is the ego that creates the “I,” and “thou” in relationships vs. “us?” To do so is a three step process; identifying the ego, resisting the ego, and sharing.

Let us first take a look at the thoughts the ego produces; “I must reject this person before they reject me,” or “I must withhold my love from them because they made me feel abandoned, hurt, or alone.” It is our ego that disconnects us from each other. In fact, in most relationships, it is one ego talking to another. Is it any surprise how difficult sustaining a relationship can be if we are all wearing costumes?

To remove the layers of our costume, or ego, we must first see it for what it is. When we experience feelings of self-pity, fear, self-hate, and/or pride, we are being controlled by our ego. But identifying is only the first step- we must practice resistance, and then sharing to ultimately eradicate the ego.

Take for example a situation where your partner makes an insensitive comment. Your initial reaction might be to pull away, to become defensive, or to withhold love. But what if we resisted our ego’s reaction and stayed in the room?  After all, it is not ourselves that are hurt, but our ego that was hurt (and a hurt ego is a good thing). By resisting the ego’s hold on us, we are weakening its pull, day by day, moment by moment.

After practicing resistance, the last and final step is to instead share our love unconditionally. It is about putting our arms around someone when our every instinct is to flee or to make a biting comment that leaves our ego feeling a bit less bruised. Instead of making your relationship about receiving (ego), you make it about giving/sharing (love).

In a true loving relationship, each person gives without worrying what they are getting back. It is a sort of unconditional love for each other that changes the cosmic consciousness of the world as a result of its mere existence. Think about how different the world would be if everyone gave unconditional love without worrying